Today’s Recipe: Skillfully Serving a “S**t Sandwich
Key Ingredients: Compassion, empathy, patience, forthright communication with some lessons learned from Verbal Judo.
Prefer an audio overview? Clicker here to listen to this week’s recipe.
Friends and Colleagues,
Your friendly neighborhood Saucers have attempted over the last year to impart wisdom from the field using our nearly eighty years of combined experience as superintendents with a blend of food metaphors to keep you hungry for more. (See what I did there?) We have likened leadership lessons to preparing a hearty stew, handling a delicate souffle, and the need to scramble a few eggs from time to time. As you know, we seek your input with your real-life recipes to match with our metaphorical ones (see link below), in an effort to inspire your thoughts while quenching your appetites.
Today’s serving suggestion, however, is not one meant to inspire you to run to the fridge. It is a less than appetizing food metaphor you may have heard before (I recall being introduced to this term as a newly appointed principal a few decades back. I wish I could give credit to the original author, but alas, I cannot.) The Urban Dictionary (likely blocked by your district I.T. department) defines the “SS” as: a method of delivering some bad news, advice, or a rejection of someone’s idea(s).It is designed to make the bad news, advice or rejection more palatable, easier to take, and/or easier on the receiving party. It is used to ensure that the person hearing the bad news, advice or rejection actually listens to what is being said so they can eat and digest it...
You want someone to eat the s**t (bad news), you serve it between two lovely slices of bread…hence the “SS”.
As I mentioned, this is a practice familiar to me that I have attempted to use skillfully to usher through a variety of difficult, but necessary, conversations. No one, no matter their position in the organization likes to receive “bad news” or feel they are being criticized, evaluated poorly, or simply – corrected. However, as a leader it is literally (check your job description) your role to deliver such information regularly (like how my children receive DoorDash in my absence). So why did this “metaphor” come to the front of thought? I will explain.
Within my district we attempt to ground a good deal of our professional development in literature. The suggestions for topics, themes, and areas vary tremendously. Each member of the leadership team has the opportunity to explore professional journals or other resources and simply bring one forward for consideration. Here, one of our veteran building principals brought to our attention a selection of literature they felt of particular value – Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion, by George J. Thompson.
Verbal Judo offers a practical framework for using words strategically to reduce conflict, build cooperation, and maintain professionalism during difficult (sometimes painful) interactions. Utilizing the author’s experience as a law enforcement officer and communication trainer, the book argues that most confrontations escalate not because of the issue itself, but because of how people speak to one another (how often have you witnessed this from students?). Through a blend of lived experiences and communication techniques, Thompson presents “verbal judo” as the disciplined use of language to redirect tension, preserve dignity, and guide conversations toward productive outcomes. Like a skilled chef balancing flavors in a complex dish, the practitioner of verbal judo blends tone, timing, and word choice to turn potentially bitter exchanges into something far more constructive and palatable…not necessarily sweet, but not something to be sent back to the kitchen either.
My personal key takeaway from the book is that effective communicators manage both their own emotions and the emotions of others. Each of us has ways we attempt to do just that: softer tones, body language, maintaining eye-contact, etc. Thompson emphasizes the importance of listening, showing respect, and giving people a sense of choice—even when the outcome cannot change. Techniques such as paraphrasing concerns, acknowledging perspectives, and calmly explaining expectations allow leaders to maintain authority without triggering resistance. Rather than “winning” arguments, the goal is to defuse defensiveness and keep interactions moving forward constructively. As you have all likely experienced in one forum or another, often people simply want to be heard.
For aspiring or veteran leaders, another key takeaway from Verbal Judo is that language is one of the most powerful tools in shaping culture and relationships. A common theme throughout the Super Sauce recipes we have shared is the focus on the importance (and value) of relationships. When leaders respond with clarity, empathy, and composure—especially in moments of tension—they model professionalism and create conditions for cooperation Verbal Judo reminds us that thoughtful communication is not simply about being polite; it is a strategic skill that helps leaders navigate conflict, preserve relationships, and influence outcomes while maintaining respect for everyone involved.
Serving the “SS” is just one method to help leaders to achieve this goal. Word to the wise - it is certainly not the only one. The lessons from Verbal Judo are clear – all forms of communication matter: verbal, non–verbal, body language, seating arrangements – even how the invitation to meet is created: “You are hereby directed to…” lands very differently than “Please join me for…”. Circling back to Sauce entries gone by - the relationships you have previously built and forged will also go a long way to setting the tone for the conversation that needs to occur.
No one enjoys being summoned to the principal’s office (let alone the superintendent’s office). If your goal is to have a collaborative counseling meeting (author’s note: this is not always the case, sometimes a very different message is the desired agenda), greet the individual at the door, don’t sit behind your desk, make use of a round table, have water and tissues available – in other words – be a human. We are all people before we are titles. If you have to remind someone that you are in charge…are you really? If you have to rely upon your credentials for respect…have you earned it? My grandmother once said: “A thermometer has a lot of degrees too, and you know where half of those wind up.” She was “old school”. She had a good point!
This week’s secret ingredient:
In the end, leadership communication may be less about serving the perfect dish and more about knowing how to season what must be served. Difficult conversations will always find their way onto the menu, and no amount of garnish can completely disguise a tough message. But when leaders approach those moments with care, listening first, choosing their words thoughtfully, and grounding the exchange in respect, they transform something that might otherwise be indigestible into something people can at least sit with, consider, and learn from. Like any good cook knows, it isn’t just the ingredients that matter; it’s how they are combined, timed, and presented. When we remember that, even the hardest conversations can become part of a healthier culture rather than something left sitting bitterly on the plate.
Let’s get cooking!
Coming up on next week’s menu: A Recipe for Kindness: The Sauce That Brings It All Together
Your friends,
Kevin, Jason, Ken, and Lars
PS: Are you ready to contribute to the Super Sauce Cookbook? Please send us your favorite recipe and a photo of your “kitchen joy”. Let’s show the world that our nation’s leaders are just as talented at the stove as they are in their communities. We want to celebrate your successes (and treats) as well.